Franz: Hello Pilgrim, I am Franz and my spiked-out friend here is Hans. We are the Protector Guardians for the Temple of the All-knowing Dress. We welcome you on behalf of Her Holiness, The Perfect Dress.

Hans: Give us all your money. It will help your karma.

Franz: Now Hans, be nice, you'll scare our guest.

Hans: Pilgrim, you're not a wimp are you? Of course not. Anyway, it's our job to prepare you for your meeting with the Garment Goddess.

Franz: Hans, those are the first civil words I have heard out of you in weeks. My dear pilgrim, you must have made a good impression on Hans. Well, we don't know much about you but you must be a true fashion devotee. Otherwise how could you have reached the Temple where fashion and religion truly become one.

Hans: Or maybe your Guardian Angel hates your wardrobe.

Franz: This is a distinct possibility. Anyway, you are probably here to ask Her Holiness a question. She is usually most accomodating but she has asked us to relay one request...

Hans: Yea, give us all your money.

Franz: As I was trying to say, Her Holiness, The All-knowing Dress, would like for you to please read "The Gospel of the Perfect Dress." Her Holiness feels it will give you a bit of background which seems to be necessary since most of our visitors arrive quite confused.

Hans: Yeah, like people say, "Divine dress? Is that like a dress you can wear to anything?" But after they give me all their money they say, "Oh, I get it. It's all very clear now."

Franz: It did actually work once didn't it?

The Dress: Perhaps I should get Barbie and Ken to be my Temple Guardians.

Franz: Oh gosh.

Hans: Don't worry Franz, she won't replace us with Post-mortem Ken anytime soon. I just saw him, he's a real mess. All he can say is, "Tennis anyone?"

Franz: Oh, I'm sss...sorry to hear that. Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, I remember, after you read "The Gospel of the Perfect Dress," then you should quiet your mind and state your question. If you do not hear an answer in a few moments we suggest...

Hans: I clean your ear out with my spike.

Franz: I was going to say, step up your meditation practice. But if you fail to get an answer to your question after several attempts, then you may e-mail Parkar. Usually she will agree to act as an intermediary.

Hans: She and the Omnipotent Dress are tight.

Franz: However, if Parkar is to be the go-between it is best to limit your inquiries to fashion-related topics.

Hans: Parkar's a fox.

Franz: Well let's not keep Her Holiness waiting. I hope you find the Gospel enlightening.

Hans: Whatever you do, never mention the words "dry cleaning," to The Dress.

The Gospel of the Perfect Dress
Chapter 14, verse 10-15

10. And when he was departed thence, he went into their synagogue. And, behold, there was a woman dressed in rags. And they asked him, saying, "Is it lawful to clothe the poor on the Sabbath days?" that they might accuse him.

11. And he said unto them, "What man shall there be among you that shall have but one sheep, and if it fall into a pit on the Sabbath day will he not lay hold on it and lift it out? And if ye give help to a sheep, shall ye not also to a man or woman that needeth?"

12. Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the Sabbath day. Then saith he to the woman, "Stretch forth thine hand." And she stretched it forth, and in it she found a black Dress, woven from fine linen. And they marvelled at the Dress, for it was filled with beauty and great power. Light shone from it, illuminating the synagogue and shining out into the street.

13. And Jesus said to her, "Put on the Dress." And she removed her rags and clothed herself in the Dress. And they saw come forth from it lines of force, and all felt love and light, and waves of forgiveness and purity. The women all came forward to touch it, and their infirmities were healed. The men kept their distance, feeling the mysterious power and fearing it.

14. Then the Pharisees went out and held a council against him, how they might destroy him. But when Jesus knew it, he withdrew himself from thence; and great multitudes followed him, and he healed their sick and infirm, and gave clothes to the poor, and charged them that they should not make it known.

15. And the poor woman who had received the Dress, grew great with knowledge and power. And many came to her to be healed and guided, such that her hovel became a place of pilgrimage. And she directed them in the ways of Jesus, wiping away their tears and setting them on the Path of Truth; for they were all uplifted by the graces that came to them from the miraculous Dress.